getting harder to find

skin alight in the warm glow. I bask in the morning. bacon of sorts. breakfast of champions...too much coffee for today. run in the woods.. quiet as I breathe in the last of November. inhale deep.

star light

star light...moon, crazy bright. Jupiter jumps out at me.. I love you Maine. walk in the woods soaking in the beams..lapping pools of glow.

Haven

North Haven. Watching the orange sky fade- approaching darkness. Your beauty far outweighs the hour ferry ride- but I suppose that is the charm. Friday night Nebo dinner- Martini- induced dance party. Oysters that didn't settle. Sober fall down a flight of stairs. bye bye. hugging a bucket on a bunk bed- listening to my dear friend cursing the oysters. bleeding. bang my head. fall again. wake up feeling 90 years old. 7:30 ferry. laughter the whole way back. Main-land. still not as satisfying as the sunrise over the rocky coast line. (sigh)

fascinate me

woo me, find me a silver lining. follow me through the meadow and chase me down. show me. your. own. self. no one else. smoothie/chocolate/chai/

you don't know it yet

you don't know it yet... but you are just as curious as I am. smoothie. hike. day off, day of bliss...

rain that just wont seem to stop. bells on my toes as I run up the hills. a quick dip in the icy water. frozen in time. coffee. smoothie. a gulp of air.

I'll be there. down in the gully. above the damp rocks, I sleep upon the lichens and sopping moss. toast.tea,tea. more please.

now you do.

a fatal mistake as I miss my footing on the edge. Hope brings new life. a rejuvenation in dreamland. Sunrise.

breezy run. rain-soaked soul.
bourbon. where has the weekend gone?
I'm far along the path...going through the motions.
one foot, then the other. breath in. woosh out.
I wish the wind would carry me.

me.

don't know where Im going, but I'm going slowly. home is in the distance so take me there a new way.

it's been awhile

It's been awhile.
the light felt like fall today.
late afternoon shadows hesitated over me as I lay melted over the sun-drenched granite. Catching my breath.

Grrrrooooowllll

In between.. Actually ate lunch today, followed it with a swim.
Full schedule. Full belly. Full steam ahead. Soaking in the long days and sopping it up with the local flavors...

Day 10 of laying off the knee.
Going ape-shit...that's right.

Cloudy.

Bullocks.

rainy walk. rainbow colors. shy disposition.
reality is the fact. my fantasy stays a fantasy.
Will it ever be satisfied? an unlikely combination.

Backwards

Peony. Wine. Porch.
Coffee. Chocolate. Stroll...
Summer you amaze me.

endlessly.

to do: figure out fall. Mow lawn. run up hills. love.

babble some more

Run it out. soak it in. let it go... thank you summer for starting so well.

ending the week.

Ticking /talking. Asado. sea breeze. foggy disposition. light.
Monumental conversations. addiction. release.
the bubbles taste pure, whilst the hangover stays toxic.

one moment please

I'm not easy. but I'm not hard. you can figure it out, I know you can.
laundry list of to-do's. yogurt love. toast. hike in the clouds. lady lunch/work all eve.
lady drinks. love this day even in the foggy haze.

drifting deeper

I"m sitting on my back deck in the late afternoon light remembering all of the stories I have forgotten and all the stories I wanted to forget...they are buried so deeply in my soul that they coarse through by body like blood. A long ride. a midnight awakening in the broad blue-skies.

clouded over

I am here. now. rejoicing in Sunday. propped in bed, surrounded by the New York Times. ...yogurt,coffee.strawberries...
laundry list of to-do's: garden.hike.clean.watch clouds roll through and soak in the blue sky. Am I dreaming? will the sky ever be back/ will I see the stars? grey makes the contrast. but the worst companion.

This picture reminds me of the sunny day megan and I had afternoon cocktails. I took it in black and white, drunk on color, I didn't think I needed to express the sunshine. but now I do. now I need it.

you know you're hot when...

did you just proposition me? no, you didn’t. did you? wait. you did? really? I just got propositioned at the local gas station. oh hunny, the only thing filling me up tonight is the unleaded 87 and the melting Ben and Jerry’s in my front seat. got to love Searsmont and the blunt and obviously drunk Maine men. thank you for making my week that much better.

back down.

irritated. woke grinding my teeth. gasping for a breath of fresh air/ mouthful of pillow.
hydrated as best I could, but drowned it back with coffee.
made the perfect cup/french press is my new (reintroduced) best friend.
yoga out the blurry sky. a run feels imminent.

I forgot.

pieces come together perfectly as I just now reflect on the full moon.
how could I forget? my body is acts as a mirror to the moon. have i ignored my internal workings this long?

I stumble awake, and catch a glimpse of what I've been missing for the past few months.

refreshed now, I no longer dwell on what I can't have. and see a clear reflection amongst the grey.

record keeper

I am awake.
walk/ hike/ run/stretch.
morph into spring.

there was this one time....
chocolate for breakfast. coffee to chase it perfectly.

telling stories, finding more. letting life trickle by, grabbing a sponge and sopping up the puddles.

won't you please?

believe me when I say I don't get it.
tea. tea. campari soda. tea.
baked my heart out...
misty morning walk. late afternoon haze.
the evening accumulates as the rain comes down harder.

take a better picture

damp nose/ dirty paws/long walk/ salt air. I'm fixated.
rewind a day when I took two hikes, soaked in the spring greens and jumped in the lake.
Today brings better news but the weather tells a different story.

*cloudy eyes. cloudy mind. muddled heart.

swallow

kicked in the kidney in my bed.
dreamed of a hornets nest/swore I woke with a sting.
broken down.../honey sunshine. almond dream.
tomorrow will be better

blissfully aware

headache that wont leave. harsh reality of life
failing family members/karma is at play
holding my fists behind me feeling the blood leave my extremities.
blissfully aware that relief is not in sight.

6am wake-up call to schlep my shit out to the lake
productivity becomes me....first run on Walker road/blown over by the ghastly wind.
Stella is unaware as long as the ball remains thrown.

Shredded Wheat. Almond dream.

coffee/ chit-chat.

work and groceries.
girl time with Meg=best part of the day.

spend your time with me

long walk/light feet/ quick pace/tight legs
...happy dog....relief for the day

earthy ramps/garlic/egg/farmers spinach+Mama=breakfast love

strapped on lucky blue shoes and the sun came out.
planted my heel into the ground and opened the Sunday Times.
breath out. whoooosh. coffee in.

spend your time with me.

it's never the same.

so here's to the journey.
here lays the path
brought on by pure will
lead by love.

it's a new dawn.

Friday smelled like dogwood. yesterday smelled like spiced rum, and today smells like Thailand.

All of these have distinct memory connections. All of these bring me back. All of these make me want more (minus the rum)..all of these make me want summer. when are you coming?

To Do

eat breakfast. check.
rake leaves. check.
sweat everyday. check.
keep business growing. check.
get into graduate school. check.

thank you to my dear friends for all your support. I love you.

clotted cream

I skyped my parents on Easter. they are visiting friends in England, and finally completely relaxed. My father who I swear has a true love for butter fat and all the accompaniments, walks over to the screen with a jar of clotted cream and a beer in hand. Tells me why the British are one step ahead...spreadable clotted cream! then proceeds to tip the jar upside down and say, "see!" his face was lit up as a 9 year old's would be upon hearing the opening dates for the new Harry Potter film... great Dad, I'm so proud of you.

it's 5 o'clock in the morning.

cuuuuuucccuuuachooo. That was my morning wake-up call. someone has a new rooster.

the sun is out and it really does make a difference on how I view my day. today is a day for a bloody mary and a spot in the sunshine. Today is a day for a walk on the rocks and ankle deep tide pools. today is a day for raking last years leaves and bringing fresh dirt to the surface. today is a day for living. for breathing. for making. for doing.

wait a little longer

I'm tired. I've whined on the phone to my best friend. I'm drinking wine by myself. I called the school because I'm too impatient with California time, and now I must wait. just wait. wait a little longer.

no longer hungry since I stressed ate the cookie for lunch. Two Thai yoga sessions and a deep tissue massage+ a sad walk in the rain= tired and crankiness. Is seven too late to crawl into bed?

coffee grinds

I woke up this morning to a pool of coffee on the counter. I have have to say I was really proud of myelf for setting the grind and brew timer to wake up with me at 5:30. drip drip. drip drip. Stella licked the floor, and I too wished I could get on all fours and sop up the luck-warm caffine injection. I sighed and started all over again. filter, beans, lids, machines. This time I made sure to put the actual pot in the maker.... brrrrrrrrrurrrrrr. yum.

Lets talk for a second about how crazy my dog Stella is. First off, as I said above, she will eat just about anything. coffee included. she sings, granted off key, but she sings. Am I a little obsessed? yes. will I bring her where ever I go next? yes.
True love.

deep breaths

Sunday+a huge rainstorm followed by the sun peeking out beneath the clouds+three hungry labs+a spontaneous walk= pure bliss

additionally, with Sunday comes something roasting in the oven, the New York Times unfolded all over my kitchen table and a pot of coffee gulped down like it is my last. my favorite day.

rainbow lining.

Southern Comfort

I am sitting on the back deck, looking out onto a giant white sand box. if I perk my head up a little above the sand dune, I can see the aqua water, smell the clean salt, and feel the warm breeze taking over my chilled limbs. I went for a beach run this morning at 7 am. Each person i passed said good morning! I love the southern hospitality mentality. it really resonates with me. In a way, it is like being on a Maine Island or Nova Scotia. Everyone is nice in Nova Scotia. I swear, people actually stop you in the street to wave you down in your car. SERIOUSLY. I understand the nice-factor. if you lived in a gorgeous place where the sun always shines and the temp barely waivers, I too would be springing in the sand each morning with a giant smile. Nova Scotia must be an exception, because it is cold as fuck there. All of this blah blahing aside, it is quite infectious. I'm smiling and waving to you right now. see?

Monday was a false alarm. Today is the day, today I will have another interview. Am I nervous? with out a doubt. in my fits of nerves, did i drink too much coffee? you bet ya. Great. just great. 11 am is around the corner....then perhaps I will spend the rest of the afternoon on a beach doing Thai Yoga.

one month

I HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN HOME FOR ONE MONTH. I can't quite believe it, but it is true. south East Asia seems like a faded dream. a hologram on the back of my Bazooka gum wrapper. a sneeze. one second there, then BAM, back in the grind.

I came back to Maine, because you can't be gone from this place for too long. Mountains, rivers, lakes, and the OCEAN. nuff said.
I am in yet another grey period here in my 20's. waiting on graduate schools. waiting on life. waiting for something to pull me, as the tide pulls every morning and every evening, and brings me something fresh I can pick off the beach and hide in my pocket.

I will know by Monday. My top school's answer that is, Monday is the day. wish me some color. because grey makes me tired.

fuzzy teeth

you know that feeling of not brushing your teeth in days?- up until today (yesterday) I forgot that feeling, as I am always one to brush- or at least swish some toothpaste off my index finger. I left my toothbrush in my hotel room 24 hours ago, spent an entire day, and night, a plane ride without a single brush. I was exceptionally disgusted with myself for allowing fuzz to grow, additionally had convinced myself that multiple cavities have already formed. so EVEN before hitting the bathroom, I went to the nearest travel shoppe and bought stain clear. Now, the only problem is that I schlepped it all the way to my gate, still have to pee, but am in possession of the heaviest carry on bag, and shoes that hurt my feet (yours would hurt too if you had been wearing flip flops for 2 months).. so instead I am writing about how bad I have to pee, and how dirty my teeth feel. pretty pathetic.

last market day.

smells surface as the morning market pushes onwards. It is 8am and the street stalls are bustling. It is still too early for the massive rush of tourists, and find myself the only one wandering around with no real purpose of purchasing. no lunch to buy for, maybe some fruit, but since I am leaving what is really the point of buying a bag of mangoes?

I trudge on through, Pork is on display in a nose to tail fashion. the whole head, a prominent feature gives way to an array of innards and a cute curly little pink tail. a true dissection dream. I study it not with disgust, but with the same curiosity I probably had when I would find a squirrel dead on the side of the road- shit, scratch that- I would have been bawling my eyes out over the squirrel. Anyways, back to the pig at the market, or maybe just back to the market. I continued on down the stalls. winding a bit as I delve deeper into the maze, trying not to slip on the water slicks that have a new life forming around the puddles. a green life, with dripping remains of ice, blood, guts, fish....you get the picture. I can feel each droplet from the puddle splash on the back of my calf, and I silently hope my skin doesn't burn off upon contact.

Back to the smells. Dry, fermented fish tell me I am in the center. this is the family meeting points. the random fried foods, Chinese herbs, gold and rubies, and buckets. lots of buckets. I take a deep breath in and soak up this moment. this is where I am meant to be. now. not forever. but now. and that makes me feel lucky. I take a turn and move forward, look up and am surrounded by stalls of flowers. breathe in. breathe out.

here are some more smells, and the associations and memories I hold dear:

back ally's: Jasmine flowers that bloom in the evening, cashew nut flowers, and..piss
the street: grilled meats, herbs, chili, charcoal, gasoline
the highway: dust, dirt, gasoline. not wise to walk on...in the heat of the day.
temples; incense, pure light, flowers, earth.
restaurants; fish sauce from the back kitchen.
the beach: cigarettes, salt
the bus: old sweat, new sweat, urine, ick.

Khao Soi

I am having some serious cravings since I left this soup up North. A Chiang Mai classic with chicken, hearty coconut broth, tons of spice, pickled vegetables on the side, onion, herbs, love.
the only time I have had this soup before was at Pok Pok in Portland, Oregon (a religious experience all in it's own) An innovative restaurant offering the "best of Thailand" street food- although not at street food prices.

20 minute walk and was at the door step of Just Khao Soi. Everything was local, organic, humanely raised and incredibly tasty.

now that I am in Bangkok, and getting ready for a departure tonight. All I can think of is how to make my last meal Khao Soi...

Bitter sweet.

if I had a bar, I would call it this. oh man, actually I have lots of names I would call it. but this one has popped in my head since I left Chiang Mai. Said goodbye to Margo (sniff sniff) and am sitting in my hotel in Bangkok. Now, I don't want to brag or anything, but this hotel is free of cockroaches. AND I only saw one rat outside!- actually, I feel like I have been so lucky this trip on picking places that are fairly clean-ish- or at least able to turn a blind eye on the cockroach situation. Just as long as the don't crawl on me...while I am in bed...sleeping.

distance won't make this any easier

I loop in my head what you said to me and find nothing sincere. you leave me facing the only wall in my world. your wall. Maybe I’ll tear it down, brick by brick...maybe I will coninue on. I know I can. I see you in the window. drinking coffee. pretending to read a language you know nothing of. a culture you have not embraced. why fight it? why fake it? your reflection in the window is gaunt and receding. Your smile gives a hint of your innocent past, but your eyes give way to your destructive present. Your future is no where in the glass for your walls are too high.

old city

Bad flu. Bed-ridden for my last week in North Thailand seems like a tease. I pay my respects to the local eateries, but have no appetite and cannot taste. Wallowing in self-pity is how I spent yesterday. today is shot, but tomorrow holds promise.

Lanta

Hello, Saw wa Deeeeeee!

Sitting on the terrace overlooking the beach and the sunset.. remembering to breathe in deep. getting buzzed off of one Campari soda. I am the cheapest date ever.
Margo and I had quite the beach adventure. We went out in the middle of the morning to find some more books, I picked some easy girly shit, and an ethnographic study of the british culture. Margo is officially the pickiest picker-outer of books. we went to two places after an ample search and two tuk-tuks. both happened to work as a tattoo parlor and a bookstore. How convenient.
Books in hand we walk to the ‘German Bakery’ and use them for their bathroom, a few dirty looks aside, we head back to the road and to the nearest tuk-tuk. - Relax beach is the next stop and 3 kilometers North from our resort. There we spend the rest of the afternoon, shaded under the mangroves. Quick hops on some rocks to a private beach, and swim in deeper waters. Life is really hard.

The imaginary clock strikes three, and we both deem it necessary to head on our way. Do we trek the road by foot or do we do some rock climbing and bumble out way back via the beach? Beach. The tide swoops out the furthest I’ve seen, as the new moon is upon us. our plan to take little dips on our walk back is foiled, the beach crabs reclaim their hunting rights.

We Trek. The sun is hot on our backs and beads of sweat drip down my brow. The black rocks heat my soul. I wish I hadn’t drank the last of my water, and cling to the thought of something cold pulsating down my throat. Cliffs. Crags. Streams, and more cliffs. Margo follows in hot pursuit as I lead us winding and tripping over my flip flops.

for you, for me

nightfall comes and the sky turns bitter.
alone in the sand
I think of you.
strangled by the tempered breeze, my words won't form
for you hold something I can't find.

Beach Activities

I am glowing. No, not a radiant glow. More like a (I live in Maine and haven't seen the sun in may months) glow. The beach is packed. The crowds are some of the best people watching I have experienced to this day...EVERYONE has a story, I just know it. I Sit on my towel hidden behind my sunglasses and guess, prod, and bullshit a bunch in my head. This is fun. I not only analyze their social lives, I analyze their bodies. Because I’m a huge dork, and I think the muscle system is the coolest thing next to Pathology, of course. I watch, and I formulate a treatment plan. Like that guy over there, with the rounded shoulders...If he stretched out his Pectoralis muscles and Intercostals, he can strengthen his Rhomboids and mid-Trapezius. That lady, walking with two small children, her sacrum is twisted and causing her pelvis to internally rotate excessively on her left side. I love my job.

OM Shanti Shanti OM

Sitting in the Hong Kong Airport I am reminded of the last time I wandered these halls in 2005. Fresh faced, and scared shit-less I can reflect with a faint smile, a hint of sarcasm, and a little more grit underneath my fingernails(so to speak).,

I left Maine this time for a different South East Asian outlook, Thailand. Am I nervous? no. Am I sad to leave 5 degree winter weather behind? no. equally so. did I give myself the slightest chance to prepare as any savvy traveler may? hell no. Just my style. what can I say?-(sorry Mom)

So begins my journey. so begins what I am expecting to be a fanciful and magical trip back to the part of the world I fell in love with, and hasn't left my mind.

Back to Hong Kong, and now my impending headache from all the champagne I’ve guzzled here in the lounge.... on the plane drinking a plum tea tonic, sickly sweetened, but just as inviting as the bubbly....2 more hours to Bangkok.

ok. I made it! I am cracked out of my mind, buzzed and stuffed from business class feasting...am I really getting off this plane? I could just attempt to stay and traverse my way to Mumbai with the plane’s itineraries. How counter-productive. stop being a visa chicken, Ashley.

I follow this very fast-walking westerner. he must be from the states- better yet probably even New York. I can’t keep up. I am seriously hoofing it through the terminal on a high speed chase! It’s now a game, and it’s on! swooping in and out of view, I lose him to the sights, the hoards of japanese tourists and the impending Visa signs. Game over.

Visa entry is fine. I’m a baby, and have that written al over my face. but as I look around the line, so does everyone else. Ha!

well, we are now getting to the part of the story where I tell you something funny, and you laugh out loud at my nonsense. So, here we go: In my daze-y haze, and the twenty hours of fitful sleep, I go to the ATM to take out some cash. Next to me is an American pilot asking me where he should stay in the city, and trying to chat me up...at the ATM!!! while I’m getting cash! I swiftly shy away, grab my money and go. Make it to the cab, set a price with the driver, and at one in the morning get to my hotel. PHEW!

Twelve hours later, I soon realize my card is not to be seen. panic stricken, and no way of talking to my bank until the time difference catches up. I feel like a serious ASSHOLE. Well, that is surely because I am a serious asshole. I am also going to place the blame on the pilot who was hitting on me, because that is what I do. Luckily, I took out a significant amount, and am ok until my dearest Mamacita FED-EX’s my card to Phuket...to a beach bungalow....

Last morning in Bangkok, eating eggs from the chickens I saw in the market across the street, significantly caffeinated on espresso, surrounded by a bunch of worldly hippies here at Shanti Lodge. I’ve given up on my three day search for a yoga mat of some sort, and have been regulated to my sham-wow towel. OM.

Meeting my buddy Ian on the beach, if he can peel himself out of the massage parlors to buy me a drink...