fuzzy teeth

you know that feeling of not brushing your teeth in days?- up until today (yesterday) I forgot that feeling, as I am always one to brush- or at least swish some toothpaste off my index finger. I left my toothbrush in my hotel room 24 hours ago, spent an entire day, and night, a plane ride without a single brush. I was exceptionally disgusted with myself for allowing fuzz to grow, additionally had convinced myself that multiple cavities have already formed. so EVEN before hitting the bathroom, I went to the nearest travel shoppe and bought stain clear. Now, the only problem is that I schlepped it all the way to my gate, still have to pee, but am in possession of the heaviest carry on bag, and shoes that hurt my feet (yours would hurt too if you had been wearing flip flops for 2 months).. so instead I am writing about how bad I have to pee, and how dirty my teeth feel. pretty pathetic.

last market day.

smells surface as the morning market pushes onwards. It is 8am and the street stalls are bustling. It is still too early for the massive rush of tourists, and find myself the only one wandering around with no real purpose of purchasing. no lunch to buy for, maybe some fruit, but since I am leaving what is really the point of buying a bag of mangoes?

I trudge on through, Pork is on display in a nose to tail fashion. the whole head, a prominent feature gives way to an array of innards and a cute curly little pink tail. a true dissection dream. I study it not with disgust, but with the same curiosity I probably had when I would find a squirrel dead on the side of the road- shit, scratch that- I would have been bawling my eyes out over the squirrel. Anyways, back to the pig at the market, or maybe just back to the market. I continued on down the stalls. winding a bit as I delve deeper into the maze, trying not to slip on the water slicks that have a new life forming around the puddles. a green life, with dripping remains of ice, blood, guts, fish....you get the picture. I can feel each droplet from the puddle splash on the back of my calf, and I silently hope my skin doesn't burn off upon contact.

Back to the smells. Dry, fermented fish tell me I am in the center. this is the family meeting points. the random fried foods, Chinese herbs, gold and rubies, and buckets. lots of buckets. I take a deep breath in and soak up this moment. this is where I am meant to be. now. not forever. but now. and that makes me feel lucky. I take a turn and move forward, look up and am surrounded by stalls of flowers. breathe in. breathe out.

here are some more smells, and the associations and memories I hold dear:

back ally's: Jasmine flowers that bloom in the evening, cashew nut flowers, and..piss
the street: grilled meats, herbs, chili, charcoal, gasoline
the highway: dust, dirt, gasoline. not wise to walk on...in the heat of the day.
temples; incense, pure light, flowers, earth.
restaurants; fish sauce from the back kitchen.
the beach: cigarettes, salt
the bus: old sweat, new sweat, urine, ick.

Khao Soi

I am having some serious cravings since I left this soup up North. A Chiang Mai classic with chicken, hearty coconut broth, tons of spice, pickled vegetables on the side, onion, herbs, love.
the only time I have had this soup before was at Pok Pok in Portland, Oregon (a religious experience all in it's own) An innovative restaurant offering the "best of Thailand" street food- although not at street food prices.

20 minute walk and was at the door step of Just Khao Soi. Everything was local, organic, humanely raised and incredibly tasty.

now that I am in Bangkok, and getting ready for a departure tonight. All I can think of is how to make my last meal Khao Soi...

Bitter sweet.

if I had a bar, I would call it this. oh man, actually I have lots of names I would call it. but this one has popped in my head since I left Chiang Mai. Said goodbye to Margo (sniff sniff) and am sitting in my hotel in Bangkok. Now, I don't want to brag or anything, but this hotel is free of cockroaches. AND I only saw one rat outside!- actually, I feel like I have been so lucky this trip on picking places that are fairly clean-ish- or at least able to turn a blind eye on the cockroach situation. Just as long as the don't crawl on me...while I am in bed...sleeping.

distance won't make this any easier

I loop in my head what you said to me and find nothing sincere. you leave me facing the only wall in my world. your wall. Maybe I’ll tear it down, brick by brick...maybe I will coninue on. I know I can. I see you in the window. drinking coffee. pretending to read a language you know nothing of. a culture you have not embraced. why fight it? why fake it? your reflection in the window is gaunt and receding. Your smile gives a hint of your innocent past, but your eyes give way to your destructive present. Your future is no where in the glass for your walls are too high.

old city

Bad flu. Bed-ridden for my last week in North Thailand seems like a tease. I pay my respects to the local eateries, but have no appetite and cannot taste. Wallowing in self-pity is how I spent yesterday. today is shot, but tomorrow holds promise.